The Unbitten Sound...

bramloa

Confusion sinking through my thoughts, I suddenly realized that I’m letting fate move my life again. This came to my mind when I woke up at 5:30AM today and my subconscious was preoccupied with something I couldn’t fathom at all… And I didn’t like it. It’s always a sad experience for me when a feeling so unusual is distracting my quiet thoughts.

Skidding thoughts crept in to me and I slowly began scrutinizing events that could have caused me this creepy feeling. And yeah, voila, I got it. It was last night’s event that gave me this feeling. That event when I was prepping to sleep and I opened my phones to check on early good night messages. Well, I got two messages I entertained well that led to an open discussion about something I thought I’ve accepted for the longest time…

Reality check.  No, I haven’t accepted that fact, that hurt me bad last night and it’s still hurting me bad right now. I know it was that thing which led me to an unexplained sadness that caused me to cry in my sleep.

The pain is still fresh and it’s cutting my heart and soul to pieces. How can I fall for the right man with the right reasons at the wrong time?

Only destiny matters to me now. I leave my fate to serendipity. Only God can answer my prayers. I’d like to think that I could be Kate Beckinsale being chased by John Cusack at the last moment and I’d still end up being together with the man I didn’t choose to love but I love him now – for no reason at all – and would love him boundless forever.

Fate.

Destiny.

Serendipity.

My rules are with them right now.

And to him: May he find his way to me. I’ll be waiting…even if this waiting was meant to be forever…

bramloa

yes, i did -- lots of times last week and today. i'm loving me -- my whole self -- as a single, trying hard independent woman and as a growing career-oriented individual (or maybe).

why wouldn't i love being me these days when i just realized that i can be myself alone? the feeling is extraordinary. i love it when i wake up in the morning and the wake up calls and messages would come from my Mom, Tita or my ever makulit na sis. i more so love it when i watch TV and move around the little sala freely while cooking my favorite merienda, pancit canton, and would eat alone in peace. haha. i love it when i'm running out of stuff and would run to the supermarket to grab my fill alone. and god... i love going home from work without waiting for anyone to pick me up and take me home.

i love this kind of freedom and the spices of life it gives me. it gives me the opportunity to decide, slowly but surely, about gigantic things that affect me universally. it makes me realize that, afterall, i'm a strong person. it makes me think that behind that willfull persona i have (masking the weak side of me) is a personality that i can rely on come hell or high waters.

why am i saying all these just now when actually i've been single for two years exactly today? oh, well... it's never been easy going through life when i've been steady for a 4-year long relationship straight.

it was my first relationship and i was hoping it's going to last forever -- because i thought that there was nothing wrong and everything was going easy and under control. well, things aren't exactly what they seemed to be. here was a relationship where i've learned to gain confidence and fight life with. here was someone who tought me to not eat alone because he was coming to join me. here was a person who said that i wasn't suppose to go to the mall alone as he was dropping by to pick me up and run about the counters with all those things i need. here was him who made me smile under the rain and made me feel fresh under the sun. here was a guy who made me feel everything was ok no matter how i looked, no matter how i dressed. here was my bestfriend who tought me to gain access to my real world and discover what i can do from what i can't. here was paul with me, not just as a significant other but was a confidante and most of all, a bestfriend. one that i'll never give up friendship and communication with.

we don't have much in common. he is an A-List intellectual; i'm just an average birdbrain. his family is an elite and is politically-inclined, mine is just a farming prop. he was a prominent student leader and as a corporate individual right now, he's one significant person behind all those coolers and cold rooms at Rustan's Supermarket, SM Hypermarket, Shopwise, Makro, Gateway, etc. He is a technical manager who managed to design some of the electrical setup of the North Luzon Expressway. and me? a trying hard associate who climbs up the ladder so dumbly to earn an honest buck. he is someone a girlfriend can always be proud of given all his negative and positive make up. me? i guess, by simply remembering his mother's single wink last time, was a little lady brat who didn't know anything about life.

(to be continued)

bramloa

Yes. I think I have found my McDreamy. Literal definition - maybe I can just dream about him as he has someone special. Someone special who can be his girlfriend, fiancee, maybe the mother of his kids or... maybe his boyfriend. I don't know! And who can help me know? I don't know. All I know is... he's my literal McDreamy. Too close to me yet too far too be reached.

Good for Meredith he's got the chance to be with McDreamy and even won him back... Me? How about my McDreamy? I don't know. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I can only sigh.

Oh...Sigh. McDreamy. Would you ever talk to me? Would you ever set your eyes on me? Would you ever be interested in me? Could I possibly become your McPrincess? Sigh.

bramloa

here i am, moon, stars, skies, heavens.

good morning.

will you greet me back?

bramloa

i will have to.